Post by flyangler on May 1, 2012 18:40:27 GMT -5
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener .'
Dr. wouldn’t ' submit his name....
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma',
But I'm glad I came.
Just to make you smile!
The Priest's Ass
The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.
The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. Even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!